3 AM

I’m having one of those insomnia nights where my eyes fly open at 3 AM and I spend the next hour or two covering a lot of ground in my mind about things which I can make no difference, practically at all, but most certainly at 3 AM.

 

Tonight’s mental merry-go-round includes such hits as:

 

Are the kids okay? Are they managing adulthood well? How can I help them? Do they need my help? What about the husband? How’s he doing? Did he call about that bill he said he was gonna call about? What about the insurance? What’s the next step there? What is that smell in the basement? Why am I the only one who can smell it? Is it a structural issue? Will insurance cover a smell? Speaking of insurance, what about the insurance? The dog smells funny. She probably needs a bath. But what if it’s more than that? What if her weird smell is really a sign that she’s sick? I like our vet, but the one vet tech scares me a little. She seems hip and edgy, but I wonder why she’s so aggressive. Was I aggressive enough at work today? Did I make my point in that meeting? Why do I care about what people think about me? Girl, you’ve got a great life, who cares what people think about you? I should have done the dishes before I went to bed. Now I’ll have to do them tomorrow and that smoothie is gonna be all caked on the blender jar and it’ll have to soak forever before I can put it in the dishwasher. Really, he could have done that just as easily as I could have. Why is it always ME who feels responsible for the household stuff? God, there’s that smell again. Is that plaster? Chemical? Can an unidentified smell make someone crazy? I wonder how my old therapist is doing. I wonder if I need a new therapist. I feel pretty sane, to be fair. I mean this current train of thought notwithstanding. When is my period due? Does my menstrual cycle have anything to do with this insomnia? Is that a thing? I’ve always been so sensitive to these hormonal changes. When was the last time I had insomnia? Was it around my period? Let me think… There’s really know way of knowing, is there? Does he have sleep apnea? That breath really took a long time and sounded weird. We should have that checked out. I wonder if he called about the insurance. Should I try to go clean the kitchen quietly now? Maybe I could put my headphones on and finish that David Sedaris book I was listening to. Actually, it’s kind of boring. Not his best work. Eh, who am I to judge? What was that creak? Wind, right? I don’t hear any wind though. If he would just breathe more quietly I could listen for it again. Oh my god it’s after 4 already. I’m going to be exhausted tomorrow. Should I call off? Insomnia counts as “sick” right? Why, when I go to bed without underwear am I always naked in my dreams? Shit, did we change the winter tires on the car? It’s nearly July and I’m pretty sure we didn’t change the winter tires on the car. I’ll ask him in the morning. About the tires and the insurance. And that bill. I wonder if it’s supposed to be hot tomorrow. It’s 115 in Kuwait right now; I just checked. I wonder what that feels like. My eyes are so tired they hurt. I wonder where my glasses are, anyway. How am I so old I can’t see without glasses anymore? Ok, let me try to go to sleep. If I fall asleep in the next 10 minutes I can still get another 2 hours of rest. I mean, I’ll still be tired, but at least it’ll help. Or will it? Maybe I’ll just wake up in that stupor that happens when I sleep really hard. Might just be best to stay up at this point. I could go watch tv I guess. But summer tv is so terrible this year. I should create a YouTube channel, huh? But, like what would it be about? Ok, really going to sleep now.

 

For real.

 

In a minute.